Contentment

Is it good or bad to want to be content, for things to move at an even pace?
It sounds good on paper, but being content means you're satisfied with where you are in a certain thing...life, art, family, love, whatever the case may be. It's good to be content in some things, but bad to accept stability in others.

I'm very grateful that my wife of nearly seven years (our anniversary is in August) continues to put up with my rabid indecisiveness and knee-jerk impulses. At least I know that, God forbid something horrible should happen and I lose the ability to draw and/or write, she'll be there for me. So that's good contentment. I couldn't ask for anything more.

I'm saddened that I have yet to put out something truly worthwhile in the art/writing department. I could be content with how well I draw figures--not extremely jaw-droppingly exceptional, but definitely not bad. However, I want more out of my art. I could be content with my character designs and stories, but I'm not; I keep coming up with new ideas. It never stops. I wrote a comic script for something completely unrelated to Jet, Nia and WCL just last night on a whim. Four pages scripted in five minutes. I had to force myself not to start sketching it for fear that it would be counterproductive toward the goals I've set.

The moment I tell the world I'm going to do one thing, I subconsciously desire something different. I fight hard every day to focus on WCL--and I mean struggle, pray, put WCL-related images on everything I have that has desktop wallpaper (PS3, PSP, cell phone, work and home computers), drive-myself-up-a-wall-until-I-have-a-headache fight--because all it takes is for someone to say "I miss Nia" or "can't wait to see more of Jet" for me to consider switching gears. That's not normal.

One should never be content with their artistic level. Be confident in it, yes, but never content. One should always desire to improve, if for no other reason than to make it more interesting so it doesn't become tedious, even if your goal has nothing to do with making money off your work.
What's funny is I feel like a part of me likes being indecisive this way. I could release WCL as a novel (a part 1 anyway) right now. But I want to add art to it. Then, when I focus on doing so, I start thinking about the fact that I'm putting all this fight into WCL when everyone, everywhere...from people I've met at ECBACC to my own wife and kids to my friends, watchers and dare I say fans on DeviantART to my co-workers, even random people who see my art for the first time, and even the deep recesses of my subconscious say:

"I love that Nia Black character; she's pretty cool. You should do something with her story."

And that sounds great...until I try it. Then I struggle to draw anything because my heart's not there. I envision what could be...not what is. I envision what I'd love to see, not what I believe I can--or can't--do.

Ugh, all this whining and complaining is starting to get to even me.

I feel like I should just put out a poll and say which one do you like best:

A novella (illustrated novel) about a futuristic sci-fi battle league concept featuring young warriors wearing suits that give them super powers, against a backdrop filled with political scandal and intrigue, sabotage and rivalries, told from intertwining points of view?

A novel about a young, African-American woman who, using greatly honed martial arts skills, firearms and her own matchless charm, commits jobs for various criminal underworld figures, all the while sorting out her love life, discovering the truth about her estranged family, and running from a secret organization bent on using her unique skills for their own ends?

A webcomic about the adventures of a fun-loving, curvy young Hispanic woman with high-powered, indestructible rocket boots, who revels in flinging her body through the air, hunting down criminals using aerial dance maneuvers and her super strength, fighting to protect the city while seeking the truth about her clandestine origin?

They all sound great to me. How about my lesser ideas?

How about the story of a young woman, tragically beaten and left for dead, who is mysteriously granted the powers of the Grim Reaper and reborn? With the ability to see the nature of the human spirit itself and the mystical Scythe of the Reaper in her hand, she fights to root out demonic presences and ensure that souls go to judgment before they can be siphoned and fed to the dark master of the underworld.

How about the story of a young man who, upon returning from his martial arts training, learns that his father, a scientist for a powerful military manufacturing firm, was callously murdered. In order to find out the truth, the young man works for the firm as an enforcer, donning a costume and mask, and wielding his mastery of martial arts and tempered Bo staff to take the firm's justice to all who oppose it. But his innate honor conflicts with his malicious occupation and his indecision may lead to disaster for many, especially his brilliant older sister, who works as successor to their father.

I could do this all day. I could reach into the depths of my mind and pull out more. But I won't. This is how my mind works. This is what I do. I grew up thinking I could be a one man House of Ideas like Marvel Comics. I swear, I would be grateful if everything else would just fade away and one idea--just one--would stay in my head forever.

That's doable, isn't it? All I have to ask is which idea do I care about most?